Lately it has felt like something is missing and no matter what I do I can’t make it right or change what is. It’s like something has taken over me and I’m unable to access the core of who I am or at least that’s what it feels like. However, if I’ve learnt anything by now it’s that nothing ever stays the same and this is just the way it is at the moment.
The last eight months has been a series of steep ups and downs except this time it took me a while to realise I was going down again. It came out of nowhere and makes no logical sense to me. A lot of things are going great in my life and I’m taking positive steps forwards, yet I’m unable to shake off these feelings of sadness and cry at a drop of a hat for no apparent reason. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy but after everything I’ve been through already I know I have to just ride it out and let it be. A good friend of mine always says to me, ‘this too shall pass’, when I feel like this and it’s true. My life is essentially good even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time and I need to remember I’m still human after all. Also that it’s ok to feel whatever it is I feel. I don’t have to define it in any way or have it together a 100% of the time.
My life has changed so drastically it still overwhelms me sometimes. Last week I gave up what was the last official link to my ‘illness’ and stripped away my comfort blanket. Although it wasn’t an ideal situation and not the life I wanted for myself, in a lot of ways it was safe and familiar. I knew exactly where I stood but I also knew that things would never change if I didn’t take some action. It took a lot of courage to take that step and do something about it but it was a long time coming and necessary. As always my Buddhist faith kept me going through it all.
I also made a tough decision last week and let go of a great opportunity in favour of other opportunities that would lead me closer to my dreams. It was one of those moments in life I had to choose which way to go… do I go left or do I go right? It was a split second decision where I totally trusted my instincts. I knew no matter what I chose it would be the right decision for me.
By doing what I’m doing right now I’m absolutely on the right path. No matter how hard it’s been I’m choosing not to settle. It was a statement to the universe that I am here. I’ve decided to be well. I’m saying yes to life, following my heart and trusting it will lead me to where I’m meant to be.
It just so happens that when I was making some of these important life choices it would have been Chloe’s fourth birthday. I still miss my little black cat but I smile every time I think of her. Her presence in my life is still strong even though she’s not physically here anymore. She gave me so much and helped me through the most difficult period of my life. When I think of her I am filled with gratitude at how lucky I was to have her for the short time that I did. It made me realise there are true blessings in life that never die. As I step further into the unfamiliar her love and beauty remains, carrying me through always.
“In the Buddhist view, the bonds that link people [and animals] together are not a matter of this lifetime alone. And because those who died in a sense live on within us, our happiness is naturally shared with those who have passed away. So, the most important thing is for those of us who are alive at this moment to live with hope and strive to become happy. By becoming happy ourselves, we can send invisible ‘waves’ of happiness to those who have passed away.”
Lots of love,